Rugrats Midlife: Seven Years in Seven Days
by ceig13
Summary: Three unlikely words: a Rugrats Lenten Retreat. Unless, of course, you haven't been close with your friends lately.
1. Some Coffee Talk

_**Author's note: Rugrats and All Grown Up are properties of Nickelodeon and Klasky-Csupo, while "Manic Monday" is the property of The Bangles (no idea who the composer is). Watch for lines borrowed from other fanfics, TV shows, actual personages, and…you get it.**_

_**Second, the POV shifts here are mostly between Tommy and Kimi, but there'll be a few times Chuckie or Phil will tell the story. Otherwise, let's bring it on!**_

Rugrats Midlife: Seven Years in Seven Days

Chapter One: Some Coffee Talk

_Tommy_

Third Street was bustling again, as usual, at four o'clock when I got to the Java Lava, a coffeeshop our gang hung out when we were kids. The street, and the many other thoroughfares in the city, was full of people leaving work, exhausted and ready to meet their soft, comfortable beds (if they're lucky to have earned them). Now that I got here, there was a chance for me to unwind here with my friends (seriously, a cup of coffee in the evening?), namely Chuckie (Charles Crandel Finster III), my best friend and brother-in-law, and also CEO of the company that owns the establishment, and Phil (Fr. Philip DeVille, SJ), a biology professor at Xavier Catholic Academy and associate chaplain there. 

The first thing that greeted my arrival was a crisp "Ten hut!" from Phil (owing to the fact that I served as a Marine Corps Reserve colonel for three years before I retired) followed by a David Hyde Pierce look-alike (Chuckie, if it weren't for the freckles and glasses) and a brown-haired man clad in a black suit and white collar (Phil) at a table near a counter. I don't find that very funny, but I let it pass. Just like I always do.

"'Lo Chuck, 'lo Phil," I said, in a rather roundabout manner.

"'Lo Tom," Chuck replied rather dryly, and so we sat down.

"So what's news?" I asked Chuckie, knowing the as-usual reply will come out unbidden from his mouth. I was not disappointed.

"As usual, fine. Madie just got promoted to director of accounting at MergeCorp, Carl is still smarting from the wounds he got from bumping his bicycle into a lamppost, and Melinda has just finished her gang sleepover, while Tancred has another star for his pottery project in school. As for me, Uncle Edmund is giving me the headache-now I know what Mama feels being woken up midnight by a call from a frantic cousin-in-law. Otherwise, Henson's Chicken House just opened another branch in Sao Paulo." He stared at me, hinting that it was my turn.

"Got work from Palmerston Bank, on screening potential executives and on armored car personnel training. Turns out they can't pass Highway Seventy-Two without something bad going on. On the bright side, Kimi lost fifteen pounds, Clemmie got her typhoid shots, and Desmond can read a whole sentence and tell us what it means. Fred, meanwhile, is working twice as hard now that Lil's a housewife. How about you Phil?"

"Finally finished computing the third quarter grades-they are so appalling! Imagine, Pickles, 64 percent of my students got a C in Biology overall! Wonder if I'll see some of my students next year-hope Mitch wouldn't be a pain in the ass, sorry for being so frank." Well, so much for a priest who slips out profanity once in a while. "I kind of sense you're bored with your lives, huh?"

The both of us looked at him, eyes telling, "How long have you known?" The past seven years have been eventful, but lately things were growing stale. How could someone leave a meaningful friendship that lasted for 44 years land in limbo? Someone who has the world bearing down on him or her, that's who.

_It's just another manic Monday_

_Wish it were Sunday_

_That's my fun day_

_My I don't have to run day_

_It's just another manic Monday_

"Is it me, or did that song by the Bangles just sum the general atmosphere here?" Chuckie remarked. Both Phil and I nodded in agreement. And it was in the nodding that Philip had hit on an idea.

"Retreat! A Holy Week Retreat! I've got just the place-House of Solitude Retreat Center, Berkel Creek. The place is perfect for a Rugrats Lenten Retreat, you know." Did he just say we were going to a retreat?

"Geez, I don't know 'bout that," Chuckie, always the nervous skeptic, stated as he loosened his tie. "W-w-we-well, umm, not that I'm not a fan of spiritual rejuvenation activities, but I assume that you know, as well as I do, that Berkel Creek is in GRIZZLY COUNTRY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!" At this, Phil cut him off and said, "Relax, Chuck, no such problems at that place! We won't do much getting out anyway, well, unless you would want some hiking. Besides, grizzlies are few and far between, and the few that are there are harmless unless provoked."

"How can you be so sure this Retreat Center in Berkel Creek's safe?" I asked.

"I've spent some time there a month before my ordination, as well as in some family seminars. Don't worry, it's interdenominational." Thank God.

Chuckie, now regaining some composure after that panic attack that so often grips him, now avoided that touchy subject. "So what the heck will happen?"

Phil just gave a grin. "Simple. First off, this is the Rugrats Lenten Retreat, so only we and our spouses as well as our closest friends will come. That would be Tommy and Kimi, Fred and Lil, you and Madie, Malcolm and Susie, Calvin and Angelica, Dil and Katrina, and me. No old geezers, no kids. Just the old gang and the, quote, "new arrivals," unquote. We'll be staying there from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday, wherence we shall leave. I know this is hard quarters, spending a week with only your spouse and friends, but this may be the break we may need for our sterile, unhappening lives, as well as a chance to improve our stagnant relationships." Chuckie and I just looked at him, eyes saying that it _may be_. Not _will be. _

He just looked at the both of us, nonplussed at the reaction, and continued, "Second, this is purely voluntary. If you don't wanna go, don't go. However, you'll be missing a lot, especially if your partner volunteers to go. Oh, which reminds me, ask your bosses and/or your wives if you can come. Especially your wives, them being invited and all.

"Thirdly, decide where to leave the kids. Tom, you won't have much of a problem, as Kira lives nearby, and so does your dad, and I do think Chuckie over here can leave his kids at Rupert's or his-sorry to call her this-stepmother's place, but Fernando and Celia are in Mexico settling deals and Mom and Pops are in-no, they're here. God knows where the rest of us will leave the kids. So what do you think?"

"Holy Week's two weeks away," I volunteered. "How the heck do you plan on making transport and activities arrangements?"

"I'll do that once I get your responses. In case all of us are going, I'll borrow the shuttle that'll bring us to Berkel Creek and back-I'll drive. As for activities, Fr. Roel and I will handle them, worry not, but it still depends on feedback. Other questions?" None.

"So I'll be expecting replies then?" Two nods from Chuckie and me were all that he needed. "Good. Well, I'll talk to Lil and Malcolm about this, while you can contact your folks. We'll meet, all of us, say Wednesday, and then I will tell you the rules. _Claro?_" We got that loud and clear. Two nods met him again.

"Well," Chuckie said as he stared at the rest of us, "the frappe is getting cold. Let's get on with our coffee, shall we?"

* * *

_Kimi_

A honk from the driveway. Tommy's here.

The first thing that greeted me when the Cresta parked into the garage was an exhausted but nevertheless moderately conscious man that is my husband, who, normally, would have passed off for a leaner, purple-haired Baldwin brother (closest I can come up with is Alec). Conclusion: he just downed three cups of coffee with Chuckie (and maybe Phil).

"'Lo, hon," he said to me as he took a peck on my cheek.

"'Lo there yourself, Tom," I replied. "How was your day?" Do I really have to ask that? I'm his co-worker at CFP Securities who just happened to go home early, for Pete's sake!

"No prizes for knowing, Kim," he replied rather flatly. He then entered the door nearest the carpark, headed for the kitchen. "Hmmm, gazpacho again?"

"Take a wild guess." Mama would occasionally drop by to help me cook something aside from the twenty-something recipes I can cook, as well as the TV dinners we eat for the rest of the time.

"How about the kids? They can't stand-I mean, they don't eat gazpacho." The soup is as cold as our relationship-still palatable, but with some indication of going to the rocks.

Seven years are strangely long when you're married, working and have little, if no time, for children and your spouse (even if he's your co-worker). Sometimes the lines of communication are left unused, and we foot the bill.

"Macaroni and cheese, and maybe some bacon bits to go with it. So what did you talk about?" I queried. By then Clemmie and Des, six and four years old respectively, greeted him with kisses.

"Some sort of retreat for Holy Week," he replied as he sat down on the nearby sofa, unbuttoning his coat and loosening his tie. "Wanna come?" Clemmie tugged on his coat and asked, "What's a retreat?" Mine was almost the same question, except that I knew the answer.

"Ummm, let me see, huh, a retreat is some type of get-together where, erm, you get to live for awhile with other people and talk about being friends and pray, most of the time." What would we do with prayer, I asked myself. Predictably, both kids asked if they could come. Tommy said a plain sorry, causing them to pout.

"But you can stay with Granna-_san_," he added as his tie went off, giving them a big smile on their face-Mama always treated them darlingly, even more than the two of us, working as we are everyday, are treating them. "And I promise you, we will be with you when you need us after all this, okay?" A resounding "Yeah!" was heard from the both of them.

"Hey, the three of you," I told them, "dinner's almost ready. I do believe you better get to the dining room now, OK?" Mac and cheese with bacon for them and gazpacho and crackers for the two of us. Some dinner, but it'll do.

"OK Mom," came the reply from the two, and as we came to the table, I tapped Tom on his shoulder and whispered, "Let's talk about this tonight, shall we?"

"Yeah sure, hon, we will," he whispered back. "Oh, and by the way, it's in Berkel Creek, Oregon. I think you'll like it there."

"Berkel Creek, huh," I thought. Some small town on the California-Oregon border, near the mountains, would be the location of our retreat. My old sense of gangly adventurism was returning. "I _will_ love it there."

**_Too early to tell whether Kimi, or for that matter Tommy, Chuckie, or the rest will indeed love it there. First, some arrangements with the kids and parents, as shown in Chapter Two: Sort This One Out, coming soon._**

****

**_P.S. Any corrections? Suggestions? Pls. read and review!_**


	2. Sort This One Out

**_Author's note: Now that we've taken care of disclaimers (the deal's that I certainly don't own most of the main characters), I'd like to continue on with this story. Warning though, some characters may not sound like what we've been used to. Also, I have only seen a few episodes of the first season of "All Grown Up" (not my fault), so there will be little mention of these events. Otherwise, enjoy!_**

Rugrats Midlife: Seven Years in Seven Days

Chapter Two: Sort This One Out

_Tommy_

Tuesday morning. Another dry summer day of work. But in two weeks time, maybe a break from all these problems, I thought to myself.

But first I had to call my mother-in-law. Somebody has to take care of the kids while we're gone.

"Why hello there, Tommy-_kun,_" Kira answered from the other line, startling me with her correct guess as to who called her up. "Why do you sound surprised..."

"Nah, just forgot your phone had Caller ID, Kira-_san_," I replied. First up, that alibi was true. Second, I started using the honorific –_san_ four years ago in deference to the old lady, who had just turned 70 then.

The voice on the other line sounded understanding. "Fine then, so what's on your mind?"

Now I'm not the one who asks favors from Kira here-Chuckie and Kimi do that for me-but, I muttered under my breath, what the hell. "Can you please take care of the children in two week's time?"

She was puzzled at the timing. "In two weeks?" she queried with a mild laugh. "Maybe if you called up later this week or the next I could understand, but _now_? Where in blazes will you and Kimi be going?"

I was at a loss on what to say, but heck, here we go. "Retreat at Berkel Creek. Chuck, Phil, Fred, Lil, Madie, Susie, Angelica, the whole gang will go." The other line was silent for awhile.

"Fine then, I'll come and take care of the house and your kids. I just hope Chuckie's found out where to leave his children-" Again I cut her off.

"Where else but at Rupert's?" I replied, eliciting a grunt from her-both persons weren't on easy terms. Why can't the adults learn from the kids, in this case Chuckie and Madie?

"Mention his name again and the deal's over, jarhead," she snickered. (One of the mysteries whose answers have eluded me until now is why Kira still adresses me as a jarhead, despite me being out of the Corps for two long years.) "Otherwise, a good Holy Week retreat. That's all." Well, at least she didn't slam the phone down.

Off to the next caller-Angelica. Though worse, at least she can be dealt with, I thought to myself. The other end was answered by her husband's assistant (and coincidentally her former schoolmate), Harold Rumkin.

"Hello, Harold," I addressed him. "Where's Angelica?"

"In the other room, working. I think you shouldn't be calling-she's very temperamental today." His explanation wasn't really needed, as I can hear her irritated groans. Fortunately, I felt, this could be an easy one.

"Just send her to me, will ya?" I requested. Harold didn't need repetition-I'm as commanding as Calvin when it comes to this. By some miracle, the Ice Princess became as cherubic as her name when she picked up the phone.

"Why hello there, Thomas," she said over the phone. So what do you want?"

"What's with all the growling and shouting?" I asked.

"Trust me, it's nothing, heheh, nothing really, yeah, that's right, nothing. Nil. Zilch. Nada." It's actually her workload, trust me-I've seen the hulks of paper on her desk and the computer open 24/7. She'll be needing this retreat.

"I'll take your word for it, Ange," I replied. "Anyway how about you and Calvin go with the rest of the gang for a Lenten retreat at Berkel Creek?"

"Uhhh... why not?" It used to be she was the one all bossy and mean, and could claim so due to age. One thing though-age isn't important anymore when you realize you're growing old. The "dumb babies" had, in her opinion now, supped of the Fountain of Youth. "I'll leave Ballina with Harold and my parents. When do we go?"

"Holy Week, and then we leave before Easter Sunday," I replied. "For more details, ask Phil. He's the one who made all of this up." After a brief thank-you from her, we both hung up.

After all that, I made a run-down of those I had called up, and only Dil and Fred remained. Maybe Kimi will take care of Fred through Lil, I thought, while I'll tackle Dil. I pressed the autodial for his and Katrina's phone number.

_Kimi_

"Come on, answer," I muttered to myself as I was desperately dialing Susie's number. She takes many calls, being a doctor and all, but I figured she shouldn't miss this opportunity. "Answer, goddamit!"

"Hello, Susan Carmichael-Jones, M.D., how may I help you?" a rasped African-American-accented voice gently addressed. My tone changed from consternation to meekness.

"Kimi here, Suze. Ummm, would you want to come with the rest of the gang to a retreat?" What was I thinking-she's a doctor, for Pete's sake! 24-hour service!

"When and why?" Susie queried. "Obviously we'll both be too busy, as it'll be a prime day for summer work for all of us."

"Worry not, sister," I replied, trying to smooth-talk her into coming. "Phil's marked it up a week before Easter, and we'll be back before then. Besides, I think that's the whole point of the retreat, no? Escaping from our worries?" Honestly I didn't know what I was saying at that time.

The voice on the other line brooded on this for a while. "Hmmm, actually, not much to do on both my and Malcolm's part-basically I'm on standby at obstetrics and kids are healthy. Malcolm's just completed his defense at the trial, so maybe we can come-we can leave Jamal and Trevor at Edwin's. So where will it be?"

"Berkel Creek. Oh, and Tom says it ain't a vacation, so don't bother with the expenses-I think Phil will handle that."

Susie just sighed (in relief, I suppose) and later started to speak yet again. "So where will your kids be?"

"Umm, I think Tom's finished talking to Mama about that, and now I think he's speaking to Angelica right about now. From what I assume, she-Mama, that is-will take care of the children, and if she's lucky, maybe Stu, or if not, Rupert, will come around as well taking care of Dil's."

The other end assented. "Uh-huh, so this is the sum of it. We will spend a week in Berkel Creek to, well, refresh our darned minds and stuff like that. I'm taking it that Padre's behind all this, right?"

"Right you are, sis. Look, I'd better call Lil. Okay Suze, toodles!" After she had put down the phone, I decided that, in an effort to slash my cellphone fees, I had better send an SMS to Lil. After a short while, I had the following message:

Lil wud u n Fred come wd us

to a retreat? Berkel creek,

durng holy wk ur bro's idea

Kimi

Soon, I received a reply:

Kimi hurd abt it frm Phil, will

srly come leave kids wd Mom

& Pops Lil

Well, that settles Lil, I told myself. Now I wondered hou Chucko's doing with the invite. Meanwhile I started cleaning up the dishes, hurriedly, as both of us were headed to work and Des has dressed up already, Clem having been fetched by the bus service.

_Chuckie_

"You really sure you can handle them Rupert?" I queried on the phone as a man with a New England accent laughed heartily.

"But'f course, Chuckie," Rupert replied, "as long as ye' mother doesn't mind it. In-law rivalry, I always say."

I was getting a bit unnerved by this. "Look, Rupe, I know Mama and you aren't on good terms, but why don't you let bygones be bygones, huh?"

"Sure, sure," he replied. "As sure as you are _still_ the CEO of Eaglecom." Because I had succeeded in turning Eaglecom's finances around when I became CEO of that company, I was invited by some of my Uncle Edmund's underlings to perform the same capacity as President and Chief Executive at Finster Holdings, owner of Java Lava, Delano's, Henson's Chicken House, Tivoli Italeria and Aji-a restaurant conglomerate. Since then it has become a struggle to lift the company from the doldrums, but I can say we are getting our fiscal problems licked. No wonder Dad resigned as Chairman and CEO after three years. And as for my mother and father-in-law not being on good terms, Mama had just had it with Rupert's sarcastic remarks and surprisingly had some of her own (I won't get to details here, capiche?).

"For the love of Christ, Dad, just please leave my mother alone! No wait, I have a better idea-why don't you and, ehem, 'Kirer' both take care of my and Madie's kids? You can do yourselves a favor not arguing, okay?"

"Me? Stick with that trollop-"

"Or you can see your grandkids once every leap year! You insult my mother again like that and I will tell my children YOU DON'T EVEN EXIST, RUPERT!" That brought Madz on the phone, looking as angry as I am, although she was mostly angry at me.

"Dad, that's enough, 'kay? Chuckie's really sensitive when it comes to family matters, and besides, your bluntness ain't helping! Wish Mom was here. So will you take care of them? Oh, and you'll even stay with Kira? I see. Okay Dad, thanks very much, 'bye!" She then looked sternly at me. "Look Chuckie, I have been doing you a nice favor not shouting at your mother, so have the same respect to my old man! In the end, we both have problems, and shouting ain't helping, so please!" I nodded in agreement, but I felt I had to explain myself.

"Look, Madz," I blurted, "I-I really didn't intend this to be a shouting match, okay? You see, hon, ah... well, you know him! God love the person who's hit by his sarcastic comments. Otherwise, you may as well be right." I looked at my watch. "Well then, it's Tommy's turn on the phone now." A speed dial on my cellphone made sure this happened.

"Hiya Chuck," Tommy answered from the other line, a bit weary. "So what happened?"

I replied, "Oh, nothing, except I nearly had a shouting match with Rupert. So how did it go?"

"First off, Kira's agreed to take in Clemmie, Des and the house, and so has Dad."

"So that'll make three seniors in your house then?"

"Three?"

"For some reason, Madie persuaded Rupe to go stay with Mama and Stu with the kids-can Carl, Mel and Tancred stay with you there? The butler can take care of the house."

"Yeah, sure. Second, the rest of the gang have inked up their approval. As a matter of fact, I just called up Dil."

"Even Angelica?"

"Even Angelica."

I turned my attention to other matters. "What about Kimi?"

"She's in this as well, obviously." What the hell was I thinking bringing that up?

"So any word from Felipe yet?"

"He says we'll meet at the church he works in for some final fixes. Rules, locations, the works."

By then I had reached my Camaro. "I see. So that'll be second Sunday after this then?"

"Yep, 0300."

"Three o'clock in the goddamn morning 'eh?"

"Right on, Chucko. So it's goodbye then?"

"Right you are. 'Bye!" I sat down on the driver's seat waiting for what remained of my anger to subside before switching on the ignition.

**_Now that some of the details have been worked out, how will the rest get fixed? And can both Rupert and Kira keep their blood pressures in check? Find out on Chapter Three: Leaving! _**


	3. Leaving!

**_Author's note: Disclaimers pretty much the same, but I twisted some of the facts we know here (some OOC traits can be observed). So, let's get on it!_**

Rugrats Midlife: Seven Years in Seven Days

Chapter Three: Leaving!

_Phil_

With spring break on track, I decided to take the opportunity to organize our retreat plans. So Wednesday night, after checking some test papers I would give out after the break, I went to typing profiles of my friends, based from what I knew about them. And man, do I know them!

After about three and a half hours (including resting my fingers from all the typing) I was now printing my friends' profiles when my Filipino-American roommate, Fr. Roel, looked in.

"Whoa! Oh, Roel, it's you," I interjected as he went in.

"Sorry for interrupting you there, _pare _(pal)," Roel replied. "Whatcha doing there?"

"Ah, nothing, something for the retreat thing I brought up with the Father Superior yesterday," I responded rather calmly. "And no, you may _not _look at them."

The other guy just looked at me asking for a chance."Oh come on, Phil, like we hadn't shared anything the past seven years!"

"That alone isn't a reason why I can give this to you, bud. You have your own goings-on, I have mine."

"_Hay naku, _Phil _naman..._"

"Fine! Take a look." I don't really know what persuaded me to give them to him, but to cut the long story short, I gave the finished profiles to him. If you were reading it this is what you'd see:

* * *

_Pickles, Col. Thomas Louis, USMC (Ret.) (Tommy)_

_Civil Status: married, to (formerly) Kimi Watanabe-Finster_

_Occupation: Chief Security Consultant, CFP Securities _

_Characteristics: frank, devoted, courageous, creative, a bit conservative, temperate _

_Interests: world affairs, filmmaking (even though it blacked out on him as a career), taking care of his kids, making up his own cadences, sports _

_Often takes the role of: Fearless Leader _

* * *

_Pickles, Kimi Watanabe-Finster _

_Civil Status: married (see above)_

_Occupation: Asst. Chief Security Consultant for Technology, CFP Securities _

_Characteristics: a bit of a rebel, frank, liberal, cheerful, optimistic, very creative _

_Interests: alternative and country music, foreign languages, Internet safety, kids, paintball and other extreme sports _

_Often takes the role of: Fearless Bride of the Fearless Leader_

* * *

_Finster, Charles Crandel III (Chuckie) _

_Civil Status: married, to (formerly) Madeleine Antoinette Fulbright_

_Occupation: President and Chief Executive Officer, Finster Holdings _

_Characteristics: pragmatic, a bit anxious, prone to panic, family man, diplomatic, moderately religious, braver than he used to be as a child _

_Interests: business and legal affairs, newsmagazine shows, golf, religious programs & services, volunteering in charity programs, family_

_Often takes the role of: Peacekeeper, (de facto) Chaplain, Alarm Bell_

* * *

_Cruz, Lilian Mary Ann DeVille (Lil)_

_Civil Status: married, to Gunnery Sgt. (Ret.) Alfredo Cruz y Villaruel_

_Occupation: (former) Vice President for Human Resources, Finster Holdings, (currently) housewife _

_Characteristics: homey, creative, temperate, has strong stomach for ridiculosity a bit superstitious Interests: kids, human resources, guitar lessons, pissing me off _

_Often takes the role of: (with me) Cocky Consultants, (she alone)_ _Piss-off_

* * *

"Ridiculosity?" Roel asked, "Does that word even exist? And you sure don't look too kindly at your sister, don't you?" 

"You try having a twin sister like that Roel and see if that doesn't affect you," I replied briskly. "But otherwise, God help her."

* * *

_Pickles, Dylan Prescott (Dil)_

_Civil Status: married, to (formerly) Katrina Shalhoub_

_Occupation: President and CEO, Pickles Technologies _

_Characteristics: unconventional, creative, imaginative, sly, opinionated _

_Interests: aliens, conspiracy theories, unconventional dress, reading Proust _

_Often takes the role of: Town Oddball _

* * *

"What in heaven's name happened to him?" Roel asked. 

"Lil and I accidentally dropped him on his head some months after he was born. Don't ask for details."

* * *

_Gottwald, Angelica C. Pickles_

_Civil Status: married, to multimillionaire Calvin Gottwald_

_Occupation: syndicated lifestyle columnist _

_Characteristics: sly, cunning, formerly arrogant _

_Interests: writing, Easy Listening music, stock markets, fine food and wine, latest fashion and diet trends _

_Often takes the role of: weasly brat nearing menopause _

* * *

"Not exactly the nicest person you'll ever meet, eh?" 

"Yep. Fortunately for us, age at this stage means Angelica actually wishes she was one of us. Ain't it ironic?" He continued reading.

* * *

_Jones, Susan Carmichael (Susie), M.D._

_Civil Status: married, to Atty. Malcolm Jones_

_Occupation: pediatrician, w/ competency in obstetrics _

_Characteristics: articulate, opinionated, scientific, streetsmart, sharp, very talented _

_Interests: singing (R&B, Easy Listening, jazz, pop), chess, lifestyle magazines _

_Often takes the role of: Voice of Reason, Angelica's counterbalance_

* * *

Roel then looked at me. "So this is your turn now, eh?" 

"No prizes for guessing," I replied. "Maybe that's some pile of inflated, sexed-up data you're holding there."

"Oh come on, _pare, _we are but people. Writing about ourselves is often subjective."

* * *

_DeVille, Rev. Fr. Philip, S.J._

_Civil Status: single, but married to the Church_

_Occupation: priest sidelining as Biology teacher at Xavier Catholic Academy _

_Characteristics: pliant, homey, a bit disgusting, lovable, strict on students, gracious with friends _

_Interests: Biology, water skiing, cars, missionary efforts, singing _

_Often takes the role of: de jure Chaplain, Clown Prince, (with Lil) Cocky Consultants_

* * *

"I knew it!" Roel exclaimed. Gracious with friends, he says-you didn't even-" 

"Geez, have you ever been my friend, Roel?" I laughed. "Kidding-fine then, so you _are _my friend."

The other priest then gave my sheets back to me. "So how long have you known them?"

"Since we were in diapers," I replied. "That's how I got to know everyone. Kimi was the latest addition-we met her in Paris. Her mother used to work at the Reptarland there, and Chuckie's dad was supposed to marry another woman. Fortunately LaBouche's coup scheme was foiled, and the rest is history."

"Just like the movies," he replied with a smile. "_Siya, _it's kinda late. Both of us should better go to sleep. Good night!" He then left the same way he got in-quietly.

"Good night yourself, Roel," I muttered as I saved the file and shut down the PC.

_Tommy_

"Granna-san!" came Clem and Des as they lunged towards Kira, who had just barely stepped out of the station wagon when two hyperactive kids bore down on her.

"Now, now-aagh, now my little ones, calm down-Huseyin, _onegai _(please)!" She said with a bit of excitement and exasperation as the driver (Huseyin) helped her up. She then turned to both me and the kids. "Now I want you to behave while your parents are not around-certainly you wouldn't want to see them disappointed at your behavior, _ne_?"

"Yes, Granna-san," Des, the over-eager boy said as he helped her get up more properly. This was so cute a moment I don't know what I was doing not having a camera around.

OK, moment over. Chuckie, Madie, Kimi, Carl, Mellie, Tancred and-God bless us all-Rupert came out of the green Camaro from another end of the street. The moment Rupert got out would be worse than the firefight I went through in Kabuganda two years ago, though fortunately no bullets won't cut me down like two did that time-I was also felled by shrapnel at the back.

Kira just leered at Rupert with an evil glare, then at me with a look of betrayal. "What's the meaning of this, Thomas?" She knows what it means.

"Let's just say it was a reconciliation attempt?" I stuttered nervously. Fortunately Kimi came out in my defense.

"Come on, Mommy-sama, please," she pleaded. "For the kids. For us. _Onegai, ne?"_

"Fine then!" her mother responded. " I just hope Rupert doesn't cause trouble."

"Can't botha lookin, ye flat-eyed Jap," he sneered in derision.

"Ha! Flat eyeballs are a small price to pay for not having a ruptured ass-"

"Ya makin' fun of my medical conditiun, Kirer?"

"Like you didn't Rupe?" The three of us got to peacekeeping mode as Kimi went berserk, shouting in Japlish about the kids and Chuckie trying to calm down his father-in-law and calling Madie (who remained in the car) for help. Fortunately, Madie, who was still staying in the car, ran up and asked Huseyin what the hell happened.

"Madam felt slighted about Rupert-bey's comment on her myopic vision, so she mocked his colostomy bag." Madie just looked at the two angrily. "I don't think this is good for their blood pressure. Oh, Stuart-bey is here." Dil had just dropped off Dad and his two-year-old son Daniel, but not before introducing himself. (Introduction here means he went down and had a chat.)

"Yaller, fellas! So what's the buzz?"

"Or what almost made it," Kimi said without delay. "Mom and Rupe nearly turned this into a slugfest."

"Dang, often happens!" He exclaimed. Dad now approached the two seniors to try and calm them down (I've seen this before with mom, and maybe that's rubbed off on him too.) He said, "Look, the two of you. As you would say Kira, let's deal with this like the civilized people we claim to be, okay? Okay?" Both seniors nodded. "Good. I'll try to keep you apart while we're here."

"Foine then," Rupert huffed.

"Understood," Kira snickered. Both still looked at each other with seething hatred, but for the kids' sake calmed down. "But I wash my hands on any untoward incident that happens."

"So do I," Rupert retorted. "Come onnaw, kids, let's get in. Ye parents leave at three'n th' mornin', 'kay?"

"At three in the darn morning?" Dil asked.

"Yes, D, at three in the darn morning," I replied. "Now let's get inside the house, our dinner won't wait."

As we went inside, Tancred tugged my shirt.

"Uncle Tommy?"

"Yes, Tank?" I replied with the nickname I made up for him.

"Why do Granna and Grampa often quarrel?

"Wish we knew, Tank," Kimi replied for me, apparently overhearing the conversation. "Wish we knew."

**_OK, I know what you're thinking, why the animosity, but we won't deal with much of that. The next day, they will leave for Berkel Creek. What will happen on the way? Watch for it in the Tommy-viewpoint Chapter Four: Along the Way to Berkel Creek._**

**_P.S: Any complaints should be sent to me personally. _**


	4. And We're Off!

**_Author's note: I took the liberty of changing the title, so otherwise, just read and review. Please._**

Rugrats Midlife: Seven Years in Seven Days

Chapter Three: And We're Off!

_Tommy _

"Hey, lardass, wake up," Kimi said in a _very gentle _way. I could tell she was amused at the swaying and staggering that I was doing, a product of only five hours of sleeping that early Sunday morning. "That's what you get for not sleeping very early, y'know."

"Are you my wife or my mother?" I murmured, consciousness equal to that of a drunk who had just downed an explosive combination of gin, tequila and palm wine. "Speaking of which, where-"

"Mama's sleeping with Clem and Mel in the girls' room, remember? Your father's with Des and Daniel in our room, while Rupert's with Carl and Tank in the boys' room." Oh yeah, we slept on the sofa. I stood up, scanned the living room, and found our attaché cases in the hallway. And beside them...

"Want some coffee, Tom?" Madie asked. "Chuckie and I woke up early to check if the van's there. And thanks for letting us use your room for a while. He's outside unloading our things for the retreat."

I took a sip of the black caffeine-laced substance, and was slightly more awake. I could have asked for more hadn't Chuckie barged in.

"Excuse me, but I think they're here. 'Jesus is Just All Right With Me' was playing when I saw the van come in." Phil just loves Christian music, no matter how kitschy it sounds. So much for an interdenominational retreat. There was a horn agitatedly honking, its driver apparently hyped about all this. Miracle the old folks didn't wake up immediately.

I wore my olive-drab pullover sweater on my red polo shirt and dirty-white jeans, got both of my bags, and trudged through the foyer to a grayish-green monstrosity of a van. As usual, my hyperactive brother was rushing me and Katrina in (she had dropped by later after dinner), while Kimi and Madie had Charles as their porter, the latter wheezing and gasping for air. I had to rush to him to help him carry the luggage our fair ladies had left him.

After all that, I decided to sit in the back, portside, near the window. As we were the last batch, since Phil had picked up the Cruzes, my cousin and her husband, and the Joneses, we weren't picking up anyone anymore, and it was straight through Wine Country to Berkel Creek.

The beautiful scenery along the road , if it weren't for the darkness enveloping the surroundings, reminded me of our trip to that old-country-themed town on a train, an offer made by Grandma Minka to the rest of us. My paternal grandfather told us about the theft that had gone on the train, and it turned out an associate of Grandma Lulu's was to blame. But that was then, and this is now, I thought to myself. We're going on a seven-day retreat in Oregon. My mind then wandered off to that meeting we had the other day...

* * *

The place was an old classroom overlooking the church's south end and the courtyard, the room now serving as a conference room. Philip, obviously tired from preparing lesson plans for after spring break, went in, but tried to put a semblance of thrill and confidence into the proceedings.

"Right then," he started in his rasped but perfect-for-singing voice, "let's begin with the basics of this retreat." The Jesuit paced on the floor, fingers on chin. "First off, the place is Berkel Creek, where as our dear Mr. Finster pointed out Monday, is grizzly-infested territory at this time of the year. Fortunately though, it has yet to be salmon run season, where our bearish friends feast on the Pacific salmon that happen to pass by to breed. Otherwise we won't be having a problem with bears, unless you plan on pissing one off, excuse me there."

"I knew he was going to swear at one point of his speech," Chuckie muttered to me, smirking. At this point Phil went on.

"_Segundo_, the place we're going to is twenty miles from civilization, in the form of the Chinook reservation of Berkel Creek. That makes House of Solitude a very lonely spot along the highway, but like any other retreat center the place has your creature comforts like central heating, electricity, cable TV, Internet access and hot and cold running water, though it unfortunely runs from 6-10 in both morning and evening-eight hours. So please, conserve water."

"No beauty bath at two o'clock then," Angelica groaned, while the other ladies were whispering in hushed tones.

"Thirdly, there's a nearby bakery and cafe, but otherwise you can't buy much. Besides, it's Holy Week, and though this is interdenominational, I insist that you eat fish and vegetables until Easter. Or alternatively you may not eat at all..." He gazed at Angelica.

"What? So I am on a diet!" she snarled. Phil continued.

"Fourthly, ahem, excuse me, As long as we're there, I, as spiritual advisor and moderator, will be followed. Let us agree that democracy doesn't work in a situation like this, okay?" Muttering went louder.

"Objection!" Kimi scowled. "I wanted to come there for some relaxation, not to be bossed around!"

"Agreed!" went Suze and Dil. Phil cleared his throat again and told the others to calm down.

"Now, now, I understand the skittish responses to the retreat, but let me remind you, you agreed to this with your spouses. You should have known that as retreat organizers, us Jesuits are strict on everyone following the orders, okay? There are rules to follow in this retreat, and its purpose ain't, let me remind you, ain't relaxation. However, I will be willing to get consultations, _en tiende_?" The mutterings died down.

"Good. Now fifth, we may go on hiking so please, bring a hat. H-A-T. Hat." That would have meant the pith helmet I bought as a souvenir in the Congo. Kimi was reading my mind, chuckling at the image of her husband clad in a dorky, high-crowned helmet and pack gear. The last time I wore that hat was at a costume party. "Also bring a cellphone with a camcorder, or both, a fishing rod if you want, mosquito repellent, compass, extra shirt, water bottles, and a plastic bag where we can dispose of our things, me being an environmentalist and all."

"Sixth, do not get out without my knowledge. From time to time, I will ask the retreat center staff to check if any of you leave." We were noting this down meticulously, Malcolm dribbling with his pen as soon as he had finished.

"Seventh, we need to have enough food for ourselves. As I said earlier, there's a bakery and a cafe nearby, but we need to learn how to cook by ourselves instead of doing it the easy way."

"Eighth, I'll be borrowing the film you made about us during grade school, Tom, as well as all your video mementos. Can I have them by tomorrow, please?" Who were we to say no?

"Ninth, no guns." It's my turn to get the looks now. I just murmured a curse word under my breath.

Phil took a deep breath, looked at us straight in the face, grinned silly and said, "And tenth (sorry fellas), no sex."

No sex? NO SEX?! "WHAT THE $#&¿ DOES THAT MEAN?!!!" we all exclaimed. The prospect of losing something we took for granted was now hitting us.

"Yep, that's right, no sex. Lent, as you know, is a season of sacrifice, and so it demands we abstain from some earthly pleasures. Besides, the dorms, oriented for singles, are segregated, and there is no way for you to make sweet love without being caught on tape by personnel or leaving through the forest." A resounding "Damn!" followed, palms hitting on any hard surface, mine on my lap. Seems like we had like minds at the time. "That means, let me be frank, no acts of self-gratification or mutual enjoyment, if you get my drift." We all wanted to wipe that goddamned smile off his weasly face.

"So that's why you want us to tell you if we wanted to come out," Lil figured. "Fine, so you're taking from us the only thing that separates us from you, huh?"

"For God's sakes, Lilian, it's only for a week!" Phil replied. "I'm not that sadistic, and if you want to leave and do your thing in the woods, fine, but don't come crying if you were attacked by some mountain lion,' kay?" Chuckie's face went pale.

"M-mm-mu-mm-mu-mountain lion?!" he stuttered in his Principal Skinner-like voice. "Now that's _another _real reason to leave this hare-brained plan of his!" While I was disappointed (a very mild understatement of what I felt at the time), I had calmed down enough to feel the obligation to calm the troops. I immediately rushed up to the front.

"Listen, guys!" The groaning stopped. "I know what you feel, not having to share your love to each other (couples, that is) for a week, but maybe that's what we need! Maybe that's a way to make us appreciate how we've lost sense in erm, 'getting the action, if you know what I mean. Worry not, it's just a week, as Padre here said, and how many of us can say we're at it at least every week, huh?" Murmurs of approval and a hushed silence followed. "Besides, to put it rather bluntly, we won't be there to jerk each other off, right?" (_AN: I have yet to be more vulgar than that.) _Still, silence.

Calvin was the first to say something after all that. "Fine, so limited time for enjoyment, and no sex. What will become of the relaxation we've been looking for?"

"I didn't say you'll be coming here to feel relaxed, Gottwald," Phil replied calmly. "You agreed to come here to know each other better than you used to. You do realize that the years had taken a toll on our once steaming friendship-it's now tepid, lukewarm. Now, I was hoping this could be a way not only to rebuild our friendships and love lifes, but take them to the next level possible. If you're going to object to some rule I put in just because it's inconvenient for you, then you had better back out." Never since the time I repaired my torpedoed relationship with Kimi had I seen Phil so articulate, and that's not counting his ability as a priest and biology teacher. Nobody felt the need to back out.

"Looks like I've made my point," Phil said, feeling a bit vindicated. His smile returned as he got a map and began discussing with us the path to Berkel Creek and to a promising recollection.

* * *

We're now on the last leg of that road. As I was recalling the meeting, we had passed by many a town or city, and had now gone past the California-Oregon state line. The luggage was behind us, Kimi was on the starboard side at the back with me, separated by her brother. Fred, Lil and Madie were on the same positions respectively (that is, Fred in front of me, Madie in the middle, etc.), Malcolm, Suze and Katrina in front of them, Malcolm in between, Calvin, Dil, and Angelica in front of both of them, and Phil on the driver's seat. My brother was helping him navigate the area with a GPS receiver.

I could tell we were going uphill, drowsy that I was, but it wasn't until about seven-thirty that I felt the van halted. False alarm-it was a gas station, and the rest went down either to the restrooms to relieve themselves, or, if it was any coincidence, the Java Lava nearby to buy something to eat or drink.

I didn't pay any heed to invitations to get down, and another rumblew of the ignition got us going again. An hour later, and after much sightseeing along the Interstate, another halt, this time in front of a log cabin-themed house.

"Hey lardass, get up," Kimi muttered, a bit of excitement in her voice. "We're here."

**_The retreat begins about an hour later. Before that, some memories will flood back. Find out the way this retreat will be going in Chapter Five: Palm Sunday, coming soon._**

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**_P.S. Pls. send suggestions personally to my e-mail address (see profile). Senders will be credited! _**

**__**


	5. Palm Sunday

**_Author's note: Disclaimers at first chapter. Now the retreat begins! Pls. read & review!_**

Rugrats Midlife: Seven Years in Seven Days

Chapter Five: Palm Sunday

_Tommy_

    So we've arrived. Phil looks tired but happy.

    "Welcome, retreatants, to the House of Solitude Retreat Center, Berkel Creek!" the reception woman said as we entered. "Oh, Fr. Philip, there are actually more retreatants than expected-Opus Dei has a recollection here too. Worry not, have a seat there for a while-we'll see what we can do, okay?"

    Some of us grumbled, wondering why, but the priest in the group tried to calm us down. "Now guys, I know this is hard, us being in a bind, but relax, 'kay? Maybe I can wangle something from them-any available dorm." He then left for the reception desk. "Well," Angelica grumbled, "looks like it'll be a danky attic for us."

    "Well, for a danky attic this looks marvelous," Cal remarked later as we stepped into a spartan but beautiful common room, sandwiched between the dining room and the comfort room. It had a view of the nearby plains and the creek as well as the mountains from the two large glass windows, and in between was a fireplace. Comfortable sofas and lounge chairs were sprawled nearby, and on one end were video and audio equipment. On another end was a whiteboard and a box of erasable felt markers on a small table.

    "Man," I gasped, "even my old barracks was nothing compared to this!" If there was a lack of decor in here, just imagine what my old place at Decatur looked like. Lil immediately brought out two cans of corned beef and a box of eggs.

    "Who's hungry?" she asked. Four hands-mine, Chuckie's, Dil's and Fred's-went up.

    "Well, that's five hungry people there," she replied. "Man I'm hungry!" She then headed, with Madie, to the kitchen to the right. That was the moment Phil, who took a leak in the nearby comfort room, chose the moment to appear.

    "Hey fellas, wanna see the place we'll be staying in?" he asked. Duh?

    "Well then, let's take a tour. Come!" Padre then led us along the corridor to the left, first leading to a double door. Opening one of them, he revealed the men's dorm, filled with up to sixteen bunk beds, as well as a table in the middle isle, and two radiators for heating. There were also windows with the same panoramic view as that in the common room, but with an added bonus: two balcony doors.

    "This, my friends, is the men's dormitory. Unfortunately for you the women's dorm is just beyond the kitchen. Now, I have my own room here, just near the comfort room, so that I as spiritual director show my neutrality while at the same time being close to the retreatants. Choose your beds, though I suggest you take the lower bunks to maximize the use of space." I immediately chose the one near the balcony door, beating Dil.

    "Hey, no top bunk remember!" I shouted.

    "He just suggested that, T," he replied. I just sighed in surrender. Fred got the bottom bunk beside mine, Chuckie just near the door, Malcolm beside him, Calvin beside Fred. That wasn't so bad a plan, I thought to myself.

    Phil then led us to another door, fronting the double door we passed by earlier. "This, my friends, is the shower room-two showers, two toilets, three faucets & sinks. But as I said, six to ten in the morning and evening-no water in between. There are pails and drums of water, as well as a dipper, but that would just allow you enough water for a three-scoop, 30-second bath. Sorry it has to be this way." We followed him back to the doubledoor, out of the dorm and back to the corridors, just in time to hear a "Food ready!" from the kitchen.

Breakfast for the four of us was brief, but for me at least for me, fulfilling. Afterwards Kimi cannily approached me.

    "So how're the lodgings, Tom? Did they have sixteen bunk beds, a central..."

    "...Central table, balcony doors, a view of Mountains, a shower room with two of almost everything but the three sinks, and radiators? Uniform look throughout, no?"

    "No. Ours has a lavender color scheme. Yours?"

    "Red." We looked at each other, and laughed.

    Just then, Phil got a microphone, gave it a test, and motioned everyone to take a seat anywhere near the fireplace. "Alright fellas, have a seat, retreat beginning in, well , fifteen minutes. Take time to set things up or stretch your legs. C'mon now, let's do what we need to do!" So saying, we went to the doorway to collect our bags and move them in the dorms.

_Kimi_

    "Fifteen minutes up folks!" Phil exclaimed long after I had placed my possessions near my bed (bottom bunk, near the door, beside Lil, above Madie and Susie). We then gathered around him like children that we were in the midst of some preschool lecture.

    "Right then folks, welcome to the Rugrats Lenten Retreat. This will be a week where we, ever suffering from the pressures of the world, will try to resuscitate our relationships... as husbands and wives... as brothers and sisters... and most importantly, as friends. Let us now begin, unless anyone objects, with a prayer." No objections. Tommy, Chuckie, Calvin, Angelica, Malcolm, Susie, Dil and I lowered our heads, Katrina cupped her hands, while the rest made the sign of the cross. Phil then cleared his throat and began:

    "God Almighty, Creator of all that is good, Ever-Merciful, Ever-Compassionate, Ever-Munificent, we praise and thank You for this day when you brought us, a hodgepodge of people whose preferences and attitudes contrast sharply, together, to relish in the memories of friendship, and ensure that friendship grows on and ever on. We thank You, Lord, for the experiences we have undergone, for the successes we have attained, for the hopes we have realized, are realizing and yet to realize.

    "In spite of all that though, we come to You as imperfect human beings, beings, who have made and broke ourselves through Your gift of reason and free will. At one point we became hostile with each other, and to a degree, we still do. And for all that, we realize we have to let go. Our hatred of each other will immolate us in hate and continue to eat us up until we become shells of our former selves, possesed by hatred, greed, and anger. Lord spare us from this destructive path, the path that will drive us astray.

    "Please, Lord, we come to you today pleading, to help us where it hurts. We pray to You, guide us to wherever You think is the best way for us to stay together , to stay with You. And after all our tribulations, we ask you to please make us stronger in faith and love in You and each other. Our faith is small enough to uproot a tree, make it big enough to do more. Our hearts are restless, O Lord, until it rests in You. Amen." After some mutterings the serious face Phil had put was replaced by a brighter smile, a smile everybody knew as trademark Philip DeVille, SJ. "Well then folks, let's get started!"

    He took the board and markers and rolled it in front of the fireplace. Taking out a marker he then listed down the words _inquiry, reflection, resolution, _and _integration. _Beside the last word he wrote _monologue_. "Right then, let's take up the retreat structure. Always after breakfast we will get settled down and have a sort of icebreaker-that's inquiry. There will be interesting and challenging activities to do. After that, most of the time will be taken up by a reflection of what we did and its relation with the topic discussed. This may continue even after lunch, and after that there's resolution, the part where we close the reflection with a more serious activity wherein we try to relate to what we have discussed earlier. Finally, integration, just after dinner, is when we share the things in ourselves that relate to the topic discussed-that's the monologue part. Two couples will be chosen by lot to discuss their life experiences-singly, that is-and how they can relate it to the day's topic. I should tell you though, you may stray from the topic to discuss your life, if needed, but also, there won't be any repeat of speakers. Everyone gets one chance to speak. Questions?"

    "So what's the first topic?" Fred asked.

    "Getting there _hermano,_" he replied. "Well, for one thing I'll have to get some paper," and off he went with Chuckie. They returned with a box of pencils and some ruled notepads and started distributing sheets to us. "Now, divide the paper into two parts, but for the love of God don't cut or tear it up. Today's topic: Getting To Know You." What? Is he kidding, we asked ourselves. "Fill one side with at least ten past actions or characteristics of yours, and the other with your partner's traits or past actions, but don't, I repeat, don't label them. What you need them for I'll tell later." List of traits huh. Oh man, am I gonna have some fun. I immediately wrote down Tommy's on the right.

    Let's see: Still owns small screwdriver. Damn sexy. A bit extravagant. Smart. Very creative. Sir Read-a-lot. Made films out of our embarrassing moments. Mom beat him at every game they played together. Horrible British accent impersonation.

    Me? Gangly libertine, as my husband puts it. Loves to drive the Cresta, much to Tommy's chagrin. Dyed hair pink. Loves mountain climbing. Took Clemmie to Dummi Bears World, enjoyed it more than she did. Went in and out of love nine times. Loves computers. Good at irritating Chuckie. Enjoys Tommy best at night, in a closet. And _very_ damn sexy!

    Phil now looked at his watch. "Finished? You will in five four, three, two, one, give me the sheets please!" Sheets given. "Fine then, I'll give you a different sheet of paper, choose a trait of that person, and _perform an example of it in front of the rest!_" Good Lord! I got Chuckie's paper! I know his handwriting when I see it!

    "Is this some kind of charades-like game?" Madie asked.

    "A harder version-no clues on number of words will be given. The player, of course, isn't allowed to talk, and most hints will be based on the actions. One hint will help you though-the one described won't join in." Cripes. "So what we do is a classic case of spin the bottle, and whoever gets the open end first will perform the charades in front of the so-called tough crowd over here. Ready?" He took out the empty Perrier bottle, took it to the center of the circle, and let it have a go.

    "'Round and 'round she goes, where she stops, no one knows...Ha-ha! You're in!"

    I'll just let either Tom or Chuck tell you the rest.

**_Let's see who got the other end of the bottle. Watch for Chapter Six: Of Charades and Rumsfeldian Quips, coming soon!_**

**_P.S. Who do you want to see perform the charades first, and who will he/she be describing? Send me the details to my e-mail address, on my profile. _**


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